I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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