I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He better not be in your backpack
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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