Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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