When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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