I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
