'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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