im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
