While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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