Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
