someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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