dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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