I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
