I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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