i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
