My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
