your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Please, let me fuck your mom
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
