How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
