dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
