When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
