you traded sex for a burrito?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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