**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
