butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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