god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun