I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn