I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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