There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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