i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
