He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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