I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
