I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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