If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
