If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
