You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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