I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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