I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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