the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
