I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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