um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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