I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
