peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
