I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
