The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
