I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
