The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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