so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
