I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
