may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
