It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
