omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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