Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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