Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
