Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
