I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
