I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
