Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
