When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
