it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
