His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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