I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
