just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
