My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
